Shooters Bullets Part 2

Disclaimer: The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in this and any other work I present to the group is made purely for entertainment purposes only. They are not intended to offend, hurt, or anger anyone. If you don’t like adult humor, vulgar verbiage, drug and sex references, the occasional light taunt, or the musing from the life of a filmmaking bum… please stop before crossing into the world of Suplex City. Also, I don’t know shit about fantasy advice, so if you’re here for that, you better walk your ass over to Chris Clegg or someone who gets paid for putting out trash content. Whatever you prefer. 

 

Today, I have a Beretta Tomcat and I’m listening to Fool’s Paradise by Meli’sa Morgan with a can of ice-cold Liquid Death:

 

  • I Stan a King!

Earlier this week, the single greatest character to ever be a part of the wonderful sport of baseball retired. I am not talking about The Babe, The Mick, The Say Hey Kid, The Greatest Broadcaster in sports history (this was the coolest thing ever), the worst manager ever (just kidding, he gave us this gemBevacqua was ass), or even The Clown Prince of Baseball. No, no, no…we lost something much more important to the game than that. I’m talking about the loss of one of the VERY BEST umpires to ever do this. HE CHANGED THE GAME, DAMN YOU! Look, I am only partially joking. In all honesty, the retirement of Angel Hernandez is both a good and a bad thing. The good is obvious; he was terrible at baseball umpiring. His report cards often were the focal point of laughter, his “ump show” tactics were always bothersome, and also he just seems like an asshole of the highest order. However, the game needs characters, and you cannot deny the man was a fantastic character for baseball. A conversation piece. Who else could get Ian Kinsler to run to the local news to write out a promo on an umpire? Angel Hernandez was a king that deserves to be treated as such. Keep in mind, some kings are beheaded. I do think that while we all celebrate and rejoice (rightfully so), we cannot deny that this man added something (even if it wasn’t in-game). Even Sports Illustrated had to hire a real writer to get at this man last year. But what other man would have a burner on Reddit (this is probably not him, but if some people want to believe the Earth is flat, I’m going to believe this)? Who else would sue the league over non-existent discrimination? Only a goddamn ledge! You laugh at this, but who else can make Bryce  this mad

The answer to that last question: EVERYONE! Maybe Angel Hernandez isn’t that special… Last week, I wrote a little about Bryce. Bryce has been a source of contention between my brother and I. He hates his guts almost as much as he hates Miguel Montero. Go ask him, not me. I, on the other hand, don’t like Bryce, but love his spoiled brat gimmick that he’s been rocking since before he got drafted. He was booed as a child in his debut (and that was by a half-empty, half-drunk, partially oblivious LA crowd – you have to be a gifted heel in order to get that kind of heat).  He was voted the most overrated player in the league by his peers in 2014. Hollywood Hamels at the peak of his powers was out here doing Philly-like things (more on that later) to this kid just because. Personally, I didn’t even really mind when Brycie went after Hunter Strickland. Aside from the name reminding me of Hill Valley’s very best educators,  Strickland was ass. (If you’re going to be a Giants closer, you gotta be tough. Strickland was no Shooter, he didn’t have a pitch called “the terminator”, he wasn’t friends with gimps… Strickland was a fake-tough guy. Good riddance to bad rubbish). Anyways, this week, Philly was in town and after going 0-for-6 in his first two games against My Giants, the Phils came into game three ready to fight. My ace, Kyle Harrison, really didn’t have his stuff and got knocked around. However, the moment of the game came when Harper decided to act like a little baby back bitch when he got some sweet chin music (kinda, sorta, not really). Now, I know Harper has gotten cracked in the face before and that sucks (I broke my nose in 6th grade when Shaun Sabaquit threw the ball with all the piss, vinegar and accuracy of 2008 Brandon Backe and haven’t played catch since). But, after 12 seasons in the show, you’d think he’d know that lefty-lefty always has the opportunity to lead to some control issues and missed pitches. No one, especially not a kid with nostrils this big, is going after you. This fool had the nerve to scream “throw the ball down the plate” as if it didn’t make him sound like an entitled little shit. That’s like me yelling at my brother to stop using the “get over here” harpoon on me during our Mortal Kombat II matches (the best fighting game ever made). I was six years younger, so of course, “MOM, HE’S CHEATING!” was the motto. This feels like that. Except worse, because Harrison isn’t 12, Harper isn’t 6, and Reptile didn’t show up after the dust-up to eat some dinner. Last I checked, brushing guys back is part of the game. It’s not like Mike Matheny went and cried after he got hit in the mouth; he didn’t fight Rich Loiselle or tell him to “throw the ball down the plate”. He just took his base. That’s G shit and we know Harp isn’t a G. 

The Cheesesteak Shop is actually awful, but I needed an excuse to laugh at that horribly awkward commercial. Tony Luke’s would probably go into the spot that TCS has currently in the Cold Civil War that currently bubbles beneath the surface of Broad Street: who has the best cheesesteak. It doesn’t really matter. I bring up that caloric beast of a sandwich because, as mentioned, the Philadelphia Phillies came to town this week. A city known for Rocky Balboa, The Iggles, Young Bols, Crabfries, Wawa Iced Tea, meeting cute girls in jackets who say “yooz” and “wooter,” AND GETTING THAT ASS JAWN WHIPPED BY TEAMS FROM THE BAY AREA! BANG BANG NINER GANG! But you see, I didn’t come here to talk about the sorry-ass Eagles. Aside from how annoying it was to hear my college roommate drunkenly scream “FLY EAGLES FLY” after every win at beer pong, I’ve really never thought much about them. I can’t respect an organization who took McNabb’s side over TO’s side. I love me some me! I can’t stand myself! But the Phillies are a different story. A long one, so buckle in… I went to Penn State for college, which is located in beautiful University Park, PA (not a state, but a commonwealth, damnit!). So, with us being located in the middle of PA, and PA being a gateway to both the Northeast and Midwest, there were a lot of different people who went to Penn State. However, the people who had the largest demographic on campus, by far, were the people who came from Philadelphia and the cluster of suburbs around Philly. When I got to Penn State, the Phills were on the rise. My freshman year, the Phillies rallied from 7 games back with 17 to play to get into the playoffs over Willie Randolph’s New York Mets. (Sidenote: they didn’t need to fire Willie like that.) Philly wins the NL East and becomes the team to beat. All of the sudden, all these little pale girls – telling people to “ ‘ava gudwon, dickhead” or asking if I’ve ever been “down shore” – were all wearing Chase F’N Utley shirts under their North Face jackets. The next year, the team was better. Now they had ex-Oakland A Matt Stairs. So, Philly ends up going to the World Series. There are Rollins, Hamels, and Lee Shirzeys everywhere! Playoff mania and Penn State beating down the Little 10 had taken over State College. Penn State is also playing Ohio State (and that mark Terrell Pryor) on the same day as game 3. Both Philly and Penn State win and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! And yes, I was out there and there were Jimmies EVERYWHERE. Phils go on to win the World Series, but that years NLCS WAS TASTY AS HELL. TACO BELL!  LIKE JUST SO GODDAMN SWEET! Anyways, I bring this up because, by the time my senior year (2010-11) rolls around, the Phillies are the kings of baseball. They’ve been to the series in back-to-back years, they have Ryan Howard looking like a fat Kevin Mitchell (The Bat Man himself!)… so they couldn’t possibly be touched by a soft-ass West Coast team, could they? NEVER! The East Coast always wins. They play harder cause it’s colder over there, damn you. BROAD STREET BULLIES FEAR NO ONE! The snow makes them love sports more than anyone who lives anywhere west of Philly! So, when October rolls around, and Philly sees a path to the World Series, necessitating a trip to San Francisco, all of their fans in University Park decide to talk their shit to me… a big guy who wears a San Francisco Giants cap, sunglasses and headphones everywhere. I was like a fat, cool Steve Bartman back then. And, as such, these loudmouths were letting me have it. I was like Santa at an Eagles game. “And who are any of these guys anyways,” my ignorant Philadelphian friends would ask. “You don’t recognize Pat Burrell?” “Oh ya, he got fat. He still call himself Pat the Bat?” “Yes.” “My cousin fucked him down at a bar in South.” “Oh, that’s nice.” “That’s right, you have that freaky little ugly girl pitching for you guys, right?” “Yep.” “You think a little girl pitching to the Flyin Hawaiian is going to end well for you? That’s anything.” “I dunno, he’s the best pitcher in baseball right now.” “You’re drawlin, my young bol. He couldn’t lace Kyle Kendrick’s boots.” And then, you know what happened? Lots of PAIN and SCREAMING in the commonwealth. It was like thousands of King of Prussia residents suddenly cried out in drunken terror and were suddenly silenced. I was high with power, talking about how John Bowker died so that Cody Ross could run. I was also drinking cup after cup of  Caribou Lou when I was watching those games. The thing is, every time they come to town, I always remember that time. I remember all the anti-Giants vitriol I got for about a week and the pleasure of watching every Philly fan on campus bow their head in shame as I walked by in all my Giants glory. This shirt was dope though, not as cool as this one, but dope nonetheless. 

  • This is Why I hate the DH

In the days before Manfred, we had things that made this game special: only one wild-card team per league, Houston in the National League, The Expos, Steroids, Characters, and pitchers hitting in at least 15 ballparks around the country. Then it was taken away from us because of people with bad opinions. I was producing a radio show years ago with this guy, and he swore (based on his love of American League Central baseball) that I was wrong for feeling the DH was a bad idea. Why? Because “pitchers can’t hit.” WHAT? HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF MIKE HAMPTON? There are just some people who don’t understand why the DH is bad. They just don’t know good comedy. I want this in my baseball. I don’t need another .222 hitter to hit 9th and be boring, when I could see this . And no, this list means nothing to me.

  • Is MLB Dying, or is that BS?

I don’t know. But, the MLB attendance numbers are out and they look… pretty, pretty good. I don’t know if this means the game is alive and kicking or what. In fact, the numbers probably mean dick. But, I do have to gloat – the (NL) west side is the best side. Three teams in the top ten, four in the top-15. 

  • NBA Finals

Celtics. Mavericks. NBA Finals. I hate to say this, but it’s going to be Celtics in 5. If we could get a Celebrity Deathmatch of Mark Cuban and Red Auerbach, that’d be pretty dope. 

  • Gaming the System…and Failing.

As you woke up this morning, you probably found news of my most recent trade – one I will either fondly look back on as a coup of coups or one which will make me look like a fucking buster. I’m talking, of course, about Hunter Brown for Jett Williams and Mason Adams. Now, before I get to the funny story attached to the deal, I have to get into thoughts. Yes, this could look bad when considering my place in the standings (9th place, 4 games back of first). It also could look bad when considering Hunter Brown has pitched well over the past few starts (27.9 ppg since May 3rd, 39.75 ppg since May 19th) and Jett Williams is probably heading in for season-ending wrist surgery. But I think Jett has more power than believed (his wrist injury may be part of the reason he didn’t show much this season, but he had 14 home runs a season ago), he’s been playing against older competition (he’s 20), he likely slides over to second (which benefits me), and he has elite speed. I also think highly of Mason Adams, and he could be in the majors this season if the season keeps going the way it has been going on the Southside. On the other hand, Hunter Brown is a guy that I always felt more inclined to keep due to his upside than really digging the production I’ve been getting. Don’t get me wrong, the stuff is there and was chubby-inducing when it flashed. The problem is there is a lot of inconsistency. Earlier in the week, I picked up “The Gas Man” Robert Gasser and “The Pride of Mission Viejo” Chandler Champlain – neither of whom are likely to reach where Hunter Brown potentially could be, but are possibly as good as Hunter Brown is going to be for the foreseeable. Granted, this is likely an early preview of a trade sale, so who knows if these moves really matter at all. I know the fat neckbeards doing lines of Cheeto-dust in the discord server all thought it was an awful move. Alas. Anyways, the funny thing is, this deal has been basically agreed upon for a good chunk of the week. However, Hunter Brown was set to go Sunday morning, and with Marshall and I locked into a heated battle I had to play keep away. Asking for an extra day of due diligence here, asking if he’d let me get Josue instead there (which was never going to happen because this guy knows if I get Josue, he gets buried in a Suplex City jersey – never to seen outside of city limits again). And Voila, Sunday comes and Hunter Brown pitches a solid game. I still lost.  CRY! Post-Script: Upon further reflection, I actually should apologize to the league. Without thinking, I made this trade without giving everyone else the opportunity to make a bid. I’m not as high on Hunter Brown as other people, so I didn’t really think too hard about it. Doesn’t matter. I recognize I fucked up and should have put the guy on the block. 

 

Wild Man’s Musings: Alright, so which one of you Brewers fans was at the game on Monday? Come on, you ain’t got to lie… The legend Victor Robles has been DFA’d. Remember when people were moving him as a third piece in a deal in this league? I remember. With highlights like these, who could forget?… I think Sonny Gray has other things on his mind… BEAST!… This Elly kid is just nasty… This Arson guy just keeps taking mean shits on my GiantsKeith Hernandez, Ladies and Gentlemen… Some tennis players are just uncouth… I’m going to give analytics a bullet sometime. But, for now, Talk that Sass, Ozzie… Speaking of Ozzie, DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS CATCH?… I am considering a fire sale. Just so I can spend a whole month straight playing this thing when it comes out… Drake might could have won if he had gone this routeTommy Pham stays trying to cold clock people. He finna fuck you up. Don’t let him in the league… Fire Farhan! Fire Manfried!

 

My Brother’s Awful Movie Recommendation of the Week: Ladybugs (1992) starring Rodney Dangerfield (a Non-Pedo, playing a non-pedo, disguised as a pedo coach – also a source of real contention between Cesar and I’s parents), Emmy Award winning actress Jackee Harry (of 227 and Sister, Sister fame), Ilene Graff (Bob Uecker’s hot ass milf of a wife from Mr. Belvedere) and Jonathan Brandis (RIP the Ledge!). 

 

An Alternative Version of that Movie: Hardball (2001) starring Keanu Reeves (the Man!), Western Heritage Award winning actress Diane Lane (a year before she got that idiot Frenchman killed), and baby Michael B. Jordan (Apollo Creed’s son and Wallace). 

 

The Jon Dowd Memorial Power Rankings:

 

Top of the League

  1. Marshall Law (8-1, Won 2): This week, Marshall was able to outlast that poser Suplex City 655-635 as covered in great deal above. Marshall continues to be one of the top teams in the league and is currently tied atop the league standings. When you have five 50+ point contributors on the offensive side of things, and a 60 point start out of one of your pitchers, you’re going to be a tough out. The addition of Hunter Brown should help bolster an already nasty rotation. Marshall continues his rampage across the great Republic of California this week, as he travels to Neptune to kill some sharks.
  2. Who’s Your Haddy (8-1, Won 1): Haddy was able to just slip by Yellow Jackets this week, despite a Sunday that must have given Haddy the Yoko Ono. A 50-point week from Marcell Ozuna really kept the offensive disparity close, enough to allow Haddy’s rotation of killers eke by. This week, Haddy takes on Wallbangers – in theory, an easier matchup, but you never know in this league.
  3. Yellow Jacket Flight Deck (7-2, Lost 1): It felt our King of the Ocean had Haddy dead-to-rights at certain points this week. The matchup lived up to the billing, as it took a really tough 7-point loss to end Elton’s 6-game win streak. Not much to hang one’s head about, it was the closest matchup this week. Flight Deck should be back on the winning train this coming week, as they take on the snake-bit, two-bit Shooters this week. 

 

Contenders

  1. Better Bombers (6-3, Won 5): You know it’s bad when you have a nearly 200-point win and it feels ho-hum. Bombers is lurking, and probably a win away from really putting himself in that top-of-the-league category. This team is balanced – over 300 offensive points and over 300 pitching points. That’s the kind of stuff that happens when you know how to run a team. This week’s matchup  with the Pine Mountain Podstars is bound to be a high scoring affair. Time to show and prove.
  2. Brickma’s Revenge (6-3, Won 2): So, is this the real Brickma? Probably.But, a few things to worry about if you are Joe: 1) You can’t count on a 60-point performance from David Fry every week, no matter how cool his name is, and 2) 9 points out of Austin Riley and 8 points out of Ozzie Albies has got to be a killer. Brickma is going to have to get some magic this week as he and Long Ball are going to have one of the more pivotal matchups this season. 
  3. Beach Bum (6-3, Won 1): Not a Vorhees-like performance, but it did the job. Dan got just enough out of his pitching and fucking stupid performance from Aaron Judge to get past Wallbangers. Beach Bum is one of the most well-run teams in the league and, akin to my thoughts on Brickma last week, I feel like the Bums are about to be in top form for the remainder of the season. Next week, the murders continue as Beach Bum takes on the beat up Orioles Magic.

 

Dark Horses

  1. Long Ball to LF (5-4, Won 2): The King of the North, Long Ball, dominated the Neptune Sharks this week 724-456. Juan Soto and Jose Ramirez lived up to their price tags; and Lane Thomas was godly for some reason this week. I don’t know if Long Ball is really the team that has kicked my ass and my brother’s ass in consecutive weeks, or is this just a mid-season hot-steak? This week is going to answer a lot of questions.
  2. H-Town Trash Can Punch (5-4, Lost 2): BAD BEAT! HTCP was only down 13 points heading into Sunday, 464 – 451, but no pitching and a human-like performance from Oakland White Boy Brent Rooker did Kyle in. Ultimately, the offense is looking a little light. HTCP is trending dangerously close to falling off of the HIGHWAY OF CONTENTION

 

So, You’re Saying There’s Still a Chance

  1. Pine Mountain Podstars (4-5, Won 2): Here he comes… The Butcher of Pine Mountain has appeared just in time to pluck Orioles Magic’s wings and toss the carcass into a soup. Just brutal stuff. Devers, Schwarber, Lindor, Tatis… when these guys are on, it’s not going to be an easy time. This week shows that. Podstars is a horrible matchup for anyone. If this is the kind of offense output we’re going to see consistently from The Butcher, it may be curtains… meat curtains… for all of us. 
  2. Stros Bros (4-5, Won 1): Couches got a smoking Sunday performance to get past HTCP, but the more important thing to note here is the two deals Matthew made this week. First, he made a win-now move by trading “The Pride of Mission Viejo” Chandler Champlain and “The Gas Man” to me, for Teoscar Hernandez. Additionally, the pickup of the hot-hitting Wenceel Perez for Thomas Harrington adds more to the offense that was lacking on paper. The question is clear, Stros is here to play for keeps this year, fellas. Watch that ass.
  3. Neptune Sharks (4-5, Lost 1): When I was in year two, there seemed to be a moment where I thought I had a shot at the playoffs. Then a run of injuries, poor play and early season hot-streaks cooling to the mean put me in a position to sell. This is probably where Sharks is going to have to start contemplating, as it feels like the pitching issues and the revolving door of green flag guys is catching up to Neptune. The silver lining: The big trade of that 2nd season for me? Trout to Marshall, Harris II (and other pieces I don’t remember) to me.

 

Wha’happun?

  1. Wallbangers (2-7, Lost 4): We are officially at the point in the season where we can put Wallbangers in this portion of the power rankings. The pitching showed up this week; Jake Irvin’s two ace-like starts, two really good Brandon Pfaadt starts, and some really good contributions from Cristopher Sanchez and Michael Lorenzen were enough to keep this week’s matchup against Beach Bum competitive. The offense got dog-walked. Jose Miranda did his thing, JJ Bleday was good, Ryan Jeffers was solid, but when Cory Julks is the next best contributor, you have problems. Royce Lewis is back this week, maybe a run can be had.
  2. Eastbound and Dowd (1-8, Lost 7): Eastbound had to deal with a surging Brickma this week and did as admirably as a team can. The pitching this week kept Eastbound in the game (Paul Skenes is a helluva drug), but the offense was anemic to say the least. Seeing Michale Bush have a good week was a plus. Dowd is going to look to hit a lick this week against Trash Can.
  3. Orioles Magic (1-8, Lost 1): Woof. This was a tough watch. Podstars had the kind of offensive week that is just tough to keep up with in general, let alone when you only get 30ish innings of pitching. The 120 point difference in pitching may not all have been made up had there been more innings thrown, but the overall points would have been closer. Orioles doesn’t have his 1st round pick this year, so the piled-up injuries on this roster sting even more. 
  4. Sojo Good it’s Scary (1-8, Lost 6): A 50-point loss on Tuesday, a 65-point loss on Wednesday and a 90-point loss on Thursday really did Sojo in. The rest of the week against Bombers was hotly contested and really made this an interesting final score. I will keep mentioning, I am really interested in Sojo’s trade deadline and post-season plans.

 

Don’t Hold Your Breath! Don’t Wait for my Love! 

  1. Suplex City Shooters (4-5, Lost 2): Damn! I thought that maybe this was the week to turn it around and get back into the winners circle. Too much inconsistency with the pitching, too many fallen aces. Another heartbreaking Sunday fumble makes me think that we’re just a win away from turning it around. However, if one needs around 13 wins to assure themselves of a playoff appearance, getting there seems like a tall task. White flags are beginning to get unfurled, but this week’s matchup again the King of the Ocean is going to be the determining factor regarding my season.

 

Clip of the Week: Here’s a clip of that time my neighborhood got onto the 6:00 news. These are the rules of engagement if you’re going to be a part of Bay culture. Viva Don Chuy’s! 

 

The Top-10 List of the Week: Recently, Kyle asked a thought-provoking question about the fast-food Mount Rushmore which three deceased artists we’d choose to revive for a concert. A difficult question indeed (I picked Prince, 2Pac and The Notorious BIG). But it got me thinking: what would be my Top-10 Albums of All Time? I have broken them down a bit, with the hopes of hearing youze guys’ top albums. No compilation albums, no soundtracks. Onto the list:

 

  1. Purple Rain – Prince (1984) 
  2. The Chronic – Dr. Dre (1991)
  3. Illmatic – Nas (1994)
  4. Bachata Rosa – Juan Luis Guerra y el 440 (1990)
  5. Lethal Injection – Ice Cube (1993)
  6. Don’t Be Cruel – Bobby Brown (1988)
  7. Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) – The Wu-Tang Clan (1993)
  8. The Don Kiluminati: The 7 Day Theory – Tupac/Makivali (1996)
  9. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West (2010)
  10. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory – Oasis (1995)

Honorable Mentions: KIDS – Mac Miller (2010), The Blueprint – Jay-Z (2001), All Eyez on Me – Tupac (1996), Section.80 – Kendrick Lamar (2011), Doggystyle – Snoop Doggy Dogg (1993), Nothing Was the Same – Drake (2013), The Doors – The Doors (1968), Star Power – Wiz Khalifa (2008), Ooooh On the TLC Tip – TLC (1992), I Am – Earth, Wind and Fire (1979), So Far Gone – Drake (2008), Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City – Kendrick Lamar (2012), Best Day Ever – Mac Miller (2010), Speakerboxxx/The Love Below – Outkast (2003), 1984 – Van Halen (1983)

 

Dynasty Grinders ® Match-Up of the Week: Is Long Ball for real, and who can be his Lane Thomas this week? Is Austin Riley going to finally wake up, or is Brickma going to need to make another move to survive The King of The North? The Long Ball/Brickma matchup this week is going to answer a lot about the trajectory of the season. Get your popcorn, I’m taking the under

 

And, gentlemen, always remember that angels fly high because they take themselves lightly

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